Does the thought of saying “no” to people at work or in your personal life leave you feeling stressed and uncomfortable? Many of us struggle to say no to requests or allocations of more work, but then are left feeling overwhelmed, tired, and resentful when we find ourselves overloaded. Whilst the prospect of having to tell people no may cause anxiety, continuing to say yes to everything isn’t sustainable either – leaving us with an unpleasant predicament.
Understanding when to say no, and having good strategies in our toolkit for managing these conversations, can help us to achieve a healthy balance at work and in our personal lives too. Otherwise, we become our own worst enemies where effective workload and stress management is concerned.
Why is it so hard to say no?
It’s a simple two letter word, and yet one many of us struggle with. This is a conversation I often have with clients during counselling and coaching sessions. It’s easy to say yes, but very difficult to say no, and this can be for many different reasons, such as:
Conflict avoidance – we worry that saying no will lead to an argument about who should be doing what, and the effort of doing that task seems easier than engaging in conflict
Not wanting to let others down – we don’t want to cause others to feel disappointed in us
The guilt of burdening others – we know that if we don’t take on the task, someone else that is already struggling might end up having to take it on
Unrelenting standards – we have high expectations of ourselves and feel we must keep taking on more work to keep achieving, or that we should say yes because we feel we will do a better job than others would be able to achieve
Concerns about being seen as lazy or not a team player – we feel anxious that saying no impacts how others see us and leads to judgments about how much we are pulling our on weight
Not wanting to be seen as incompetent – we take on tasks that unreasonable test our capability because we don’t want to admit to lacking skills or experience and being viewed as incompetent
Wanting to be polite and accommodating, to be liked – we have a need to please others and to be liked, and try to win favour by being excessively helpful to others
Poor self-esteem and lack of confidence – we don’t value ourselves enough to stand up for ourselves and push back
As you may have noticed, many of the reasons why it is hard to say no ultimately tie back to our self-image, how we see ourselves, and our need to behave in ways that feel consistent with our identity.
When is the right time to say no?
If saying no is something you really struggle with, perhaps it’s something you can start to work on. Consider putting strategies in place for setting boundaries and making decisions about what you will and won’t take on. Here are some suggestions of when you should strongly consider saying no:
Taking on an additional task will result in you having to work overtime
Your existing workload will be compromised and other tasks/deadlines put at risk
The tasks you’ve been asked to take on is outside the scope of your role or capability
Taking on additional work and responsibilities will negatively impact your mental health
How to say no
Our time and energy are precious resources – we need to respect it and ensure others respect it as well. Continuing to say yes and take on extra work and responsibilities can compromise our ability to achieve our own goals, which can then have performance, job satisfaction, and wellbeing implications. We need to show others that our efforts are valuable in order for them to value them – too often people know we can’t say no, and whether they do so intentionally or not, they will take advantage of this. Consider putting a few boundaries in place to ensure this doesn’t happen.
A good starting point is to practice not immediately responding when you get a request. If you know you have a habit of instinctively saying yes, delay by either asking if you can get back to them, or ask a few questions to buy thinking time and help to evaluate if this is really something you need to take on. You might question how much work is involved, if anyone else will be assisting, how much time they estimate it will take, and expectations on timeframes.
Saying no doesn’t necessarily require using the word no, either – you can find ways to communicate that feel authentic to you. There are also ways we can compromise, offer alternative solutions, or soften the blow in the language we choose to use.
Here are a range of statements you might use to gently say no:
“You know I love a challenge and am usually very happy to help, but in this instance, I think this might be a bit beyond what I can realistically achieve at the moment.”
“I would really love to help you out, but I am already at capacity today/this week/this month.”
“I really wish I could say yes, but unfortunately I have too many other commitments at the moment.”
“I’m a bit overloaded already and so not in a position to take anything else on, but I’d be happy to help you find someone else that has capacity.”
“To be honest, I am already struggling with the high workload I have right now. I’m sorry I can’t help in this instance, but please check-in next time in case things have changed.”
“I apologise this isn’t the response you are probably expecting, but I really need to focus on getting a few things off my plate before I take on any more work.”
“I hate to disappoint you, but I’m so busy right now I couldn’t possibly take anything else on.”
“Thanks for trusting me to take this on, but I feel I might not yet have the skills/experience I need to do the task justice – can I perhaps observe someone else before giving it a go myself?”
“I’m not really comfortable taking that on – is there something else I can help with to free you or someone else up to complete it instead?”
“Wow, that sounds like a really interesting project. I’m sorry I don’t have the capacity to take it on right now, but I’m sure someone else will really appreciate the opportunity.”
“I will check my schedule and see if I can shuffle some things around, but to be honest, I am not confident I can make the time right now.”
“I’m already at capacity and won’t be able to take on any more this week, but if it’s not terribly urgent, I can look at taking it on next week.”
Finally, just remember: if you don’t get the response you hope for when you say no, that is not a reflection on you. Don’t feel obligated to cave in and change your mind because of someone else’s lack of acceptance when you appropriately, respectfully, and professionally decline to take things on.
Reach out for help
If you would like assistance building strategies around saying no, increasing confidence and self-worth, addressing perfectionism, managing your workload or other similar issues, please get in contact with us to find out how we can assist.
Further resources to help build strategies for saying no
Barth, F.D. (2016). Why is it hard to say “no” and how can you get better at it? Psychology Today, January 15. https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-couch/201601/why-is-it-hard-say-no-and-how-can-you-get-better-it
Eatough, E. (2022). How to say no to others (and why you shouldn’t feel guilty). BetterUp, January 7. https://www.betterup.com/blog/how-to-say-no
Jennings-Edquist, G. (2020). How and when to say no at work. ABC Everyday, November 18. https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/how-to-say-no-at-work/12821000
Knight, R. (2015). How to say not to taking on more work. Harvard Business Review, December 29. https://hbr.org/2015/12/how-to-say-no-to-taking-on-more-work