Do you sometimes find it hard to keep your emotions in check? Of course we all have emotions, and throughout any given day we will experience a range of both positive and negative emotions – this is normal! But sometimes we may feel that our emotional responses are out of control or excessive; in psychology we refer to this as ‘dysregulation’.
When emotions aren’t well managed…
Emotion dysregulation can occur when our responses to our emotions are poorly managed and we become overwhelmed, negatively impacting our wellbeing. It can involve a lack of awareness and acceptance of how we are feeling, inability to adapt and regulate emotions, avoidance of distress and effort to express how we are feeling, preoccupation with feelings, and even venting or aggression. No one is ever really regulated all the time, we will all have had experiences of difficulty controlling emotions. But more ongoing and extreme experiences of emotion dysregulation could also be a sign of a mental health disorder.
The challenge with poorly managed emotions is that they spill into our behaviour, which can impact not only on ourselves but also on those around us. This can result in a range of consequences at work and in life, including conflict, damaged relationships, poor team/family dynamics, and behaviour that is not inline with our personal goals and values. When we are stressed or upset, it also impacts our ability to focus, make good decisions, and problem-solve. For leaders, reacting to frustrations, stress and anger can impact on how employees see them. In fact, research has shown that leaders that are good at managing their emotions enjoy better business outcomes.
Are your coping strategies helpful?
When we become overwhelmed, or experience emotions we don’t like the feel of, it’s easy to engage in avoidance behaviours to numb those feelings. Like reaching for foods that are bad for us, a glass of wine, or binge watching TV shows in an effort to distract ourselves. Less obvious coping mechanisms might include making ourselves very busy with work and other commitments, telling ourselves we don’t have time to deal with problems and respond to negative experiences. This might seem like a helpful thing to do, and getting space from people or situations that are bothering us can be a good thing, but it can mean we are not addressing the root cause of those emotions and that can be a problem later on. It’s important to know when we are avoiding versus distancing.
Regulating our emotions
Regulating our emotions is about trying not to react to situations impulsively, and give ourselves time between experiences of emotions and reacting. Some people are naturally better at this than others. Importantly, we can all learn and improve these skills. If you are wondering what you can do to help manage your own emotions, consider the following:
Be self-aware – develop the ability to notice what it is you are feeling. Sometimes it can help to label the emotions, it provides clarity and helps us to gain back control over how we are feeling.
Identify triggers – understand what caused an emotional reaction in the first place. This follows on from self-awareness in first noticing the emotion, and then working out what happened to trigger the feeling so that we can identify patterns and consider how to better manage or resolve those situations.
Avoid self-judgment –avoid criticising emotional responses we think we shouldn’t have in the first place. Experiencing guilt or shame about emotions doesn’t really help – telling yourself “Pfft! First world problems…” or “Well there are people worse off than me” doesn’t negate the feeling or experience you’ve had in the first place, avoid just writing it off or diminishing it.
Develop acceptance –accept that negative emotions are part of normal human experiences – it is not bad or wrong to have them. When experiencing strong emotions it can feel like we don’t have time or energy to deal with them, however, we can accept these experiences without giving them too much unhelpful attention or energy.
Practice mindfulness – being able to stay present and grounded can help to overcome emotional reactions. Breathing exercises, grounding techniques and relaxation strategies can help calm our system and prevent impulsive actions.
Reframe the situation – being able to reappraise our thoughts about a situation can assist with emotions. Challenging our perspectives and looking at situations from different angles can help us to address our problems in more helpful ways. This can take practice and requires the ability to be aware of feelings and thoughts and notice triggers.
Be kind to yourself – being able engage in self-compassion is also a helpful strategy. Thinking about our strengths, values, and positive contributions can help us better react to our emotions. Good self-care strategies are important, so think about how you generally look after your wellbeing.
Additional tips for the workplace
It is not possible to control the emotions of other people, but we can certainly consider whether there are any working conditions that increase the risk of stress, anxiety, anger, resentment, frustration, and other negative emotions. Maintaining a positive working environment will result in less opportunity for employees to become overwhelmed.
For leaders that find themselves needing to support or work with team members who are struggling with their emotions, consider focusing on the following:
Look for emotional cues – take the time to notice facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, general demeanour and shifts in behaviour. The first step in supporting employees is identifying when there might be an issue they need support with.
Listen without judgment – employees need to feel safe to talk about how they’re feeling and why, without criticism or judgment. Help employees find appropriate ways to express how they are feeling and help them to normalise these experiences rather than feel bad about them.
Take action – if there is a situation or factor at work that is causing experiences of negative emotions, work with the employee to identify suitable solutions to put in place. Employees want to feel supported – collaborative effort will be beneficial, avoid sending employees off to deal with their own issues, and try to refrain from encouraging coping and resilience strategies when you can target the root cause of the problem.
Reach out for help
If you would like further assistance with emotion regulation, building emotional intelligence, or creating a positive working environment, please get in contact with us.
Further reading
Abblett, M. (2019). Tame reactive emotions by labelling them. Mindful, September 25. https://www.mindful.org/labels-help-tame-reactive-emotions-naming/
Cusack Handler, J. (2018). Identifying your feelings. Psychology Today, January 19. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/art-and-science/201801/identifying-your-feelings
David, S. (2016). 3 ways to better understand your emotions. Harvard Business Review, November 10. https://hbr.org/2016/11/3-ways-to-better-understand-your-emotions
Ellen, S. (2014). How well do you know your own feelings? The Conversation, September 4. https://theconversation.com/how-well-do-you-know-your-own-feelings-31309
O’Connor, P. (2018). How to understand and harness your workplace rage. The Conversation, January 23. https://theconversation.com/how-to-understand-and-harness-your-workplace-rage-90174